Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Mayo
by Skie
Summary: Humerous interpertation of Sorcerer's Stone aka A PARADOY! If you've read the books and love humorer, read!!
1. Of Death and Tricycles

It was a dark and stormy night. . .  
  
James: He's coming! Go, run, save yourself!  
  
Lily: Not without you!  
  
James: Stop ruining my big heroic moment and move your arse! Go!  
  
Lily starts walking away as slow as possible just to anger James, when suddenly. . .the mailman came by! Then the milkman. . . the neighbors came home. . .  
  
James(addressing Lily who has now made it to the couch): Damn him! He was always late, you know, couldn't even show up on time to kill me properly. Ah well, I'll just save him the trouble then, got to keep on schedule. Advara Kedavra!  
  
James falls dead on the floor and now Voldemort enters.  
  
Voldie: Is he dead then?  
  
Lily: Yep. . .I was thinking you'd never show up!  
  
Voldie: I got stuck in traffic.  
  
Lily(mutters): Traffic my bloomin' arse(more sweetly) let's be off.  
  
Lily whips off her wizard robes and is now wearing black leather pants and a sparkly sequin top.  
  
Voldie: Damn woman! You look phat!  
  
Lily(giggles): You're such a sweety!(serious now) But remember you said that once we eloped you would change your way and be nice again. Promise?  
  
Voldie(crosses fingers behind back): Promise.  
  
Lily: Okay. Now kill the kid and let's be done with it.  
  
Voldie: Advara-  
  
Lily: Oh wait hold on! I forgot my nail file!  
  
Lily runs to retrieve it, right across Harry's path.  
  
Voldie: -Kedavra!  
  
The spell struck Lily, kill her instantly, but the important part is that somehow the spell rebounded, consuming the Dark Lord and leaving him totally vaporized. . .and having an immense craving for mayonnaise.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Later, Hagrid flew on his purple tricycle, taking Harry to Dumbledore. Suddenly, spotlights appeared followed by Muggle policemen.  
  
Policemen: Sir, you are flying an unregistered vehicle in a no-flying zone(points to a cloud with a sign posted on reading 'no flying! Unless you pay large amounts of money to the English government. Hasta luego')  
  
Hagrid: Oh, I see. . .Judo-chop!  
  
Hagrid judo-chopped the police officer who then fell off the helicopter. Instantly, his two fellow law enforcers reached for their guns. Hagrid leaped up matrix-style, but unfortunately the matrix couldn't support his massive bulk and he chrashed to the floor of the helicopter. Fortunately, the reverberations of his landing cause the policemen to loose their footing so they too plummeted to their deaths.  
  
Hagrid: Sweet.  
  
* * * * *  
  
At the home of the Dursley's. . .  
  
McGonagall: This sucks!  
  
Dumbledore: I know, it's always sad when a family gets struck down to the Dark Lord.  
  
McGonagall: No,not that. Ally Mcbeal comes on in twenty minutes so that overgrown lug of yours-  
  
Dumbledore: I would trust Hagrid with. . .well actually I personally wouldn't want to give anything to that lush but since Fudge can become Minister I figured Hagrid could deliver a little boy.  
  
McGonagall: Did you hear who got it?  
  
Dumbledore: Err. . .no. I admit I didn't. I was at a nudist camp with Lucious Malfoy and let me tell you something about his wand. . .  
  
McGonagall: No need, but don't you think you should know who got it?  
  
Dumbledore: Oh I got it all right, my arse is still loose. . .Oh right, well lemme guess, please?  
  
McGonagall: Sure, something's gotta pass the time.  
  
Dumbledore: The Lestrages? The Longbottoms? The Patils? . . .  
  
15 minutes later. . .  
  
McGonagall: It's the Potters! The Potters were killed you apathetic moron! Christ, take some memory pills or some shit!"  
  
Dumbledore: Look, just cause you missed Ally doesn't give you right-Whoa look out!!!!"  
  
Hagrid landed his purple trike on top of McGonagall, squashing her onto the ground. The two men hurriedly picked up, Hagrid apologizing vehemently.  
  
McGonagall: It's okay Hagrid; I think you're hot.  
  
Hagrid: Ewww. . .  
  
Dumbledore: Well, let's get going, we can still watch that hottie Dawson, I have the episodes taped.  
  
Dumbledore put Harry on the Dursley's doorstep. Giggling he rang the doorbell then dove into the bushes when Aunt Petunia answered the door. She screamed loudly and Dumbledore looked over at the professor and gameskeeper.  
  
McGonagall: 8.6  
  
Hagrid: 9.1  
  
Dumbledore: Score! But let's wait here until we've made certain that Harry'll be okay, or at least until the bloody woman stops screaming.  
  
5 days later Petunia's screaming hasn't changed and all three wizards are sporting bags under their eyes.  
  
Dumbledore: Umm, yeah, let's just go 


	2. On the road again

Okay, so I forgot to put some disclaimers in the beginning, so I'm putting them in now. I don't know it they serve a point or not, but I don't want to be sued. So all Harry Potter characters belong to Rowling or Warner Bros. or whoever legally owns them because we're a money-grubbing society and everything has to be owned. Also, no offense is meant to any celebrities or ex-celebrities that may be mocked in this story. . .so yeah I think that pretty much does it. Moving on. . .  
  
* * * * *  
  
11 years later, Harry is in his cupboard under the stairs, which unknown to everyone else he has turned into a secret laboratory. . .Harry's Laboratory.  
  
Cheesy theme music starts playing.  
  
Out in Harry's Laboratory  
  
Lives the weirdest boy you've ever seen  
  
But Voldemort wants to blow him  
  
To smithereens.  
  
He's got loot and voom  
  
And will soon go boom  
  
In Harry's Laboratory.  
  
Err. . .right, like that. So Harry's in his laboratory not doing much of anything but watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  
  
Harry: Oh Buffy. . .Buffy  
  
Suddenly, Aunt Petunia's voice jerks him out of his actions  
  
Petunia: Make breakfast  
  
Harry(in a higher pitched voice that usual): Okay, but it might take me a little longer than usual, the air-compressed elevator's broken.  
  
Petunia: What?  
  
Harry: Nothing.  
  
So Harry whips on his pink lacy apron and goes to work making breakfast. The Durselys were waiting for him.  
  
Dudley: Oh cripes, where'd you get that bloody scar?  
  
Harry: You mean the one I've had for 11 years?  
  
Dudley: Oh yeah! Where the radiation-mutilated satanic squirrel from Thailand attacked you right?  
  
Harry: Yeah, with three eyes.  
  
It was an odd-shaped scare to be sure. It read "Make 7 up yours" but Harry's bangs covered the top part of the slogan so all people saw was "up yours". Meanwhile, the mail came which Harry went to retrieve, still in his pink frilly apron. After he was thoroughly beaten up by the stoners that stalked the corner, he stumbled in and saw a letter addressed to him.  
  
Mr. H. Potter  
  
This is the secret your relatives have been keeping from you for your whole life! Open it quickly! If they know you have it in hand, they'll steal it from you at all costs! Just to keep the information that we sent this letter a complete secret, the mailman was terminated immediately after delivery. Now quickly!!!!!!  
  
Confused on what to do next, Harry consulted his uncle.  
  
Harry: Hey Big-V, I got a letter.  
  
Vernon: Open it then.  
  
Harry: But it says that you don't want me to do so, plus I'm afraid of papercuts.  
  
Vernon: Fine, give it to me.  
  
He does and Vernon puts it on the table Harry's sitting at, easily within Harry's reach.  
  
Harry(overdramatically): Darn it!!!! Thwarted again!!  
  
Cycle continues for several days.  
  
Vernon: That's it, we're moving.  
  
Petunia: Surely the letters aren't that bad!  
  
Vernon: No, not really. But I've been caught in an illegal drill- smuggling operation and I have Cuban assassins on my tail.  
  
Petunia: You've been working illegally all this time?. . . And I haven't seen a dime of this extra money!  
  
Vernon: Yeah, it all goes to the prostitutes.  
  
Petunia: How dare you!  
  
Vernon: Not for me, for Dudley  
  
Harry: Ewww  
  
Petunia: Aww, my little Dudleykins becoming a man. . .well that explains the herpes medication you asked for on your birthday.  
  
Vernon: Yeah alright, let's go, on the road again.  
  
Suddenly, all four are struck with an image of Bin Laden being chased by President Bush and Colin Powell.  
  
Harry: What's with that weird dude's turban? 


	3. NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the road again. . .  
  
Vernon: We're being followed.  
  
Harry: Really?  
  
Vernon: Yeah by the blue double-decker bus with England's flag on the side.  
  
Harry: Oh yeah, how did I miss it?  
  
Vernon: It just got there.  
  
Harry: But I thought you said it was following. . .oh nevermind.  
  
Vernon pulls over and the big blue bus follows.  
  
Petunia: Why are we pulling over? They'll get us.  
  
Vernon: Err. . .I dunno. It's in the script.  
  
Harry: There's a script?  
  
Petunia: Yeah, doy, how'd you become the star.  
  
Harry: I dunno, being spontaneous?  
  
Dudley: Stop using big words!  
  
Vernon: So anyways, it says we're supposed to be cowering in fear, so cower!  
  
Cowering in fear, the family of four huddles against the car as the door ominously swings open. It is none toher than. . . the Spice Girls!  
  
Harry, Dudley, Vernon: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Posh: 'Allo  
  
Scary: Spice up yer life.  
  
Sporty: I like sports.  
  
Baby: I need a new diaper.  
  
Ginger: I'm not a spice girl, even though I'm like so totally the favorite.  
  
Harry(disappointed): You were the ones delivering the letters?  
  
Baby: I know my letters! A,B,C,D,E,F. . .  
  
Ginger: Girl power!  
  
Harry: I'm not a girl!!!!!!!  
  
Ginger: Aww. . .  
  
Sporty: I like sports.  
  
Baby: . . .Now I know my ABC's. . .  
  
Harry(exasperated): Shut up now! Now listen, Are you the ones delivering my letters or not?!  
  
Posh: Like no, silly! We're looking for a Petunia Dursley.  
  
Aunt Petunia steps forward nervously.  
  
Scary: We're following you because here it says you're a member of the Spice Girls fan club.  
  
Petunia: Umm, several years ago. . .  
  
All Spice Girls: Score! We have a fan!!!  
  
Ginger: And as our #1 fan, because your the only one, we have a special concert for you. . .err. . .right here!  
  
Harry, Dudley, Vernon, and Petunia: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Vernon: Oh, I mean no, thank you. See, we're on the run from the mailman, a secret, assassins, and a purple-spotted elephant.  
  
All except Vernon: What?  
  
Vernon: Just don't ask.  
  
Harry: But we already did. . .oh nevermind.  
  
Posh(disappointed): Bye then, I'm going to eat some more cupcakes.  
  
Scary: Adios  
  
Sporty: I like sports.  
  
Ginger: Im still the favorite, even though I don't belong to this group anymore.  
  
Baby(giggling): Baby goes bye-bye!  
  
The climb back onto the bus and the Dursleys continue on their journey. They end up in a leaky cabin that night, and Vernon sets up elephant booby traps.  
  
Well, that's all for now. I hope you've enjoyed yourself reading my paradoy as much as I've enjoyed writing it. But it does take a lot of work, rereading stuff, editing, and next section will include a song which is going to demand serious attention. So if you could review and let me know what you think? Otherwise I might slip into schitzophrenic tendencies. . .  
  
Harry: Yeah, and she'll probably take it out on us, so for the love of-  
  
Hey, what are you doing here! The story's over for now! Go make me a turkey pot pie, bitch!  
  
Harry(mumbles): See what I mean?  
  
Okay, now that we're rid of the nuscience, review? 


	4. Harry comes close to breaking down

A/N: Yeah, I bet no one would have thought to hear from me again. But ummm, yeah, surprise! And this is for Kaiden, w/o whose constant support this story would probably not have continued.  
  
It's late at night in a rickety shack over a steep cliff and it's raining. Badly.  
  
Harry and Dudley are up late swapping manly stories.  
  
Harry: And this one time, at band camp. . .  
  
Dudley: Oh please, no more band camp stories!  
  
Harry: Oh yeah! Well what do you have to say that's interesting?  
  
Dudley: There's a rock in my shoe.  
  
Harry: Really? Cool!  
  
The two spend several minutes studying the rock which, unknown to either of them, is really Dudley's brain that has fallen out of his ear again and landed in his shoe. Suddenly there is a loud thumping at the door, which is soon swept away by the howling storm. A large and mysterious stranger enters riding a purple tricycle.  
  
Large and mysterious stranger: Fee Fi Fo Fum, I sm-  
  
Harry: Hagrid you dolt, that's the wrong story. You're not trying to kill anyone here.  
  
Hagrid: You're kidding me! Wow, now I feel really bad about that whole newlywed couple thing. No wonder they looked so surprised. . .  
  
A really uncomfortable silence follows. There would be a cricket chirping in the distance, but all the crickets got swept away in the storm.  
  
Hagrid: Anyway, oh Harry I'm so glad to see ya! You can't imagine how happy this has made me. Why I-I-  
  
The lights dim and a spotlight appears on Hagrid  
  
Hagrid: I have to put it in a song.  
  
Oh Harry of mine  
  
Tell me where have you been  
  
Oh I've just passed out  
  
From drinking so much gin  
  
I would take you to the movies  
  
I would take you to that big screen  
  
Take you to a place inside  
  
Where no one could here you scream  
  
Oooh yeah  
  
Ooh yeah  
  
Ooh yeah  
  
Harry you gave me a migraine.  
  
Sometimes I wanted to send you a birtday card  
  
With a five dollar bill  
  
But I couldn't keep a job  
  
And I guess I never will  
  
Ooh yeah  
  
Ooh yeah  
  
Ooh yeah  
  
Harry you gave me a migraine  
  
All four characters save Hagrid are extremely disturbed by the lyrics of the song, but Hagrid is beaming so warmly at Harry that all is forgiven.  
  
Hagrid: You're a wizard Harry  
  
Harry: No shit sherlock.  
  
Hagrid: Bite me you pre-pubescent freak. I'm just reading the bloody script.  
  
The relatives go back to looking disturbed.  
  
Hagrid: Well I guess that takes care of everything. . .oh yeah, I almost forgot.  
  
Hagrid whips out his want, a perriwinkle blue portable phone and casts a spell on Dudley, making the rotund boy have purple spots.  
  
Uncle Vernon: Ah, it's the purple-spotted elephant!!!!!!!! We're all gonna die!!  
  
Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia whip out face paint and grab make-shift spears.  
  
Uncle Vernon&Aunt Petunia(chanting): Kill the beast, Bash it's head, Drink it's blood, Smash it's skull  
  
Harry is about ready to cry because he can't decide if it's safer to go with the split personality giant or the freaky relatives that just killed their own offspring. He doesn't get a choice in the matter as Hagrid whisks him away on his purple tricycle and the two spiral into the raging storm.  
  
Well that's all I have for you now. Don't think it was worth the wait, but at least I hope you found it semi-amusing. Cheers! 


End file.
